Working Through Disagreements and Conflicts

There isn't a day, a week, a month. or a year that goes by that one won't face some sort of conflict with another individual.  Differences of opinion and clashing goals are inevitable in any relationship ('O'Hair & Wiemann, 2012).  And that can be part of what keeps our relationships fun and interesting! ('O'Hair & Wiemann, 2012).  But it's how the partners handle the disagreements that arise that determines whether their bond will grow stronger ('O'Hair & Wiemann, 2012).

Just recently my very good friend and I were faced with a conflict.  My good friend "Tasha" has been a part of my life for the past 15 years.  Tasha and I have shared many ups and downs, but most recently we were faced with a conflict that left us on non-speaking terms for several days.  This was not only surprising to us, but also very upsetting since we had never experienced this before. 

It all began with my daughter's jr. prom.  Tasha has also been a part of my daughter's life and all of her milestones since the day she was born. So, when jr. prom rolled around both my daughter and I knew that Tasha would be there.  Weeks before the jr. prom I had shared the date, time, and location for pictures with Tasha.  I also shared with Tasha that my family and I would be away on vacation and returning just 2 days before the jr. prom.  So, I specifically stated that I was sure that things would be crazy upon my arrival and she needed to make sure that she kept that information visible as a reminder. 

The day had finally arrived and I had sent a text to Tasha reminding her about the plans.  As the day continued I had not heard word from Tasha, but I had been so busy running my daughter around and getting her ready that I did not think twice about reaching out to Tasha again.  My daughter was also in a very touchy mood because she dislike so much attention that I had become so preoccupied and never put a second thought about whether Tasha had received my message or her whereabouts.

To make a long story short, Tasha never showed up and became very upset with me when she saw pictures of my daughter posted on a social media site.  She immediately called me and began to express her anger towards me.  She went as far as telling me that she doesn't feel I respect or care enough about her as a friend and that she would understand if I didn't want her in my life.  Of course I was in utter shock.  Tasha and I had never spoken to each other in this way. 

Clearly, there was a misunderstanding.  A few days had passed and the dust had settled when I picked up the phone to resolve the conflict.  I approached the situation very calmly and openly and we were able to get past it.  However, in the future there are two strategies that I would use in order to resolve any conflicts more productively.  The first strategy is to begin the conversation by focusing on the issue at hand.  Often arguments, disagreements, or misunderstandings can lead individuals to name calling and finger pointing.  Yet, such personal attacks do little to foster cooperation and usually succeed only in putting the other person on the defensive and making the interaction more heated ('O'Hair & Wiemann, 2012). The second strategy would be to,  differentiate feeling from thinking, being able to identify and express internal feeling states in a way that does not imply judgment, criticism, or blame/punishment (The Center for Nonviolent Communication.(n.d.).   The skills will help you make clear requests. They will help you receive critical and hostile messages without taking them personally, giving in, or losing self-esteem (The Center for Nonviolent Communication.(n.d.).

In the end, building healthy relationships is like gardening.  With love, patience, time, and care it will grow and blossom. 

References:
O'- Hair, D., & Wiemann, M. (2012). Real communication. New York: Bedford/St. Martin's.
The Center for Nonviolent Communication. (n.d.). The center for nonviolent communication. Retrieved from www.cnvc.org